


The Seduction of the Hat

by vamplover82



Category: Fall Out Boy
Genre: Blow Job, Crack, Hand Job, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-05-26
Updated: 2009-05-26
Packaged: 2017-10-05 11:52:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,203
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/41473
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vamplover82/pseuds/vamplover82
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Seducing hats is about as useless as it gets, when it comes to superpowers.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Seduction of the Hat

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and con. crit. are much appreciated. Written as a comment fic at [](http://community.livejournal.com/anon_lovefest/profile)[**anon_lovefest**](http://community.livejournal.com/anon_lovefest/).

Patrick has this secret. Well, it's actually a series of secrets, but it all centers around the fact that Patrick has the amazingly useless power to seduce hats. Yes, it sounds stupid, and it kind of is, particularly since it means he ends up with far more hats than any one person could possibly need.

And the thing is, he's not even all that into hats. He likes them well enough, especially when they're on summer tours and he's outside a lot, but it's not like he feels the need to wear one every waking moment. He encourages people to think he does, but that's more out of necessity than anything else.

See, once Patrick seduces a hat, he pretty much has to wear it on a fairly regular basis or bad things start to happen. Not like actual, physical things (because these hats aren't _sentient_ or anything), but he can kind of sense when he needs to wear a certain one, and if he doesn't, he's pretty much guaranteed to have a rotten day. So Patrick just goes on wearing the hats, and he usually manages to keep from having too many disastrous days.

And it's not like it's easy, what with him being away from home more often than not. He can't exactly drag around a suitcase full of hats just in case he happens to need to wear a certain one. It almost certainly _would_ be easier if there was like, a regular schedule, but the hats tend to be a lot like people. They're pretty much unpredictable, although Patrick has learned a few things about them over the years that have helped.

Newer hats usually need more attention, so he can pretty much expect to wear something new a lot right away. After he's had them awhile, though, they tend to calm down. And some, of course, need more attention than others in general. There are some hats that go with him whenever he's gone for more than a couple weeks just because he knows they need to be worn that often. He's still sometimes surprised that the hats never seem to conflict with each other about needing to be worn, but he just thanks God that they really aren't like people in that respect - there's no way dozens of people would be able to coordinate so well.

***

Sometimes, Patrick wishes he'd never used his power in the first place. Oh, it's not like he meant to do it in the beginning; he hadn't even actually known he was doing anything at all. Just, one day he'd seen this hat, this really nice fedora that had been on sale and made him look kind of dashing (well, he thought so anyway) when he had tried it on. And before he even knew what was happening, he was kind of stroking it's sides and brim, telling it how great it was and how nice it looked and all manner of things you might say to impress a girl, but which were kind of ridiculous to be saying to a hat. For whatever reason, though, the hat had taken to him like a moth to a flame after that, and he'd known that he had to buy it.

He had amassed nearly a dozen hats before he realized that something was going on and that maybe he really shouldn't keep going out and looking at hats. Of course, that was around the same time that he was just figuring out that wearing the wrong hat resulted in a bad day, so he didn't really think he could be blamed for being slow on the uptake.

But by the time he'd acquired that many hats, he hadn't really had any choice other than pretending he just really liked wearing them, and since his hair was kind of starting to thin out anyway, he told people (or let them assume) that that was the reason for all the hats. Which, of course, had led to people giving him more hats, and once they were in his possession, he couldn't seem to help laying on the seduction. If only he were half as good with people as with hats.

Anymore, though, Patrick is used to the way things work. He's been managing his hats long enough that it's become part of his routine. Luckily, he's got so many hats now that he tends not to get them from people so often, and he really does try to stay away from them when he's shopping, because if there's one thing he really doesn't need more of, it's hats.

Still, when Pete tells him about this awesome hat place that he just _has_ to check out, Patrick doesn't really know how to tell him no. So they go together, and Pete is kind of flitting about the store excitedly while Patrick tries not to touch too much of anything. He knows that won't necessarily keep anything from happening, but it might help; he lives in hope.

"Patrick!" Pete calls out suddenly from the back of the shop.

Patrick slowly makes his way to where Pete's standing, and Pete holds out a newsboy cap that is thankfully not to Patrick's taste (he hasn't yet seduced a hat he didn't actually like). Patrick shakes his head, and Pete puts it back, continuing his way around the wall.

Patrick wanders off again, and he's beginning to think that he might manage to get out of here without a new hat when he sees it. It's not the sort of thing he would usually go for, but there's something oddly attractive about the shiny silver fedora. In a few quick strides, he's made his way over to it and scooped it up, words already pouring out of his mouth.

"Well, aren't you just gorgeous, and so distinctive." He pulls off his cap and replaces it with the fedora. "Mmm, and you feel so good. I don't think I should ever let you go."

Patrick eyes himself in a nearby mirror and sees Pete standing behind him, looking kind of shocked. He's glad that that's apparently all it's gonna take to win this hat over, because it's bad enough that Pete obviously heard what he'd already said. He turns around and looks sheepishly at Pete, sliding the fedora off and his cap back on. He's kind of surprised that Pete still hasn't said anything, but the silence doesn't last long.

"Were you just...talking to that hat?" Pete asks incredulously.

"Uh-" Patrick starts, but Pete doesn't even let him continue.

"Like, talking to it like you were trying to get it to _sleep with you_?"

Patrick sighs as a blush suffuses his face. "It's not like that, Pete."

"No, no. I think it is. Oh my God, do you have a hat fetish?" Pete looks disturbingly intrigued by this idea. "Shit dude, that's brilliant. Are you gonna buy it?"

Patrick really wishes that he wasn't, but at this point, he really kind of has to. He doesn't say anything, but Pete is smiling like he's just gotten an endless supply of blackmail material (which he pretty much has) when Patrick goes up to the counter to pay for the hat.

The next few weeks are pretty ridiculous. Patrick wants to try to work on songs, but any time Pete sends him lyrics, they're all about hats and sex and love. And whenever Patrick tries to tell him to be serious, Pete will smile innocently and say that he _is_ being serious. So song-writing is pretty much a bust, because Patrick refuses to have one about his freakish superpower.

And on top of that, any time Patrick wears the silver fedora, Pete will spend the entire day sneaking looks and grinning while making lewd gestures in Patrick's direction. It wouldn't be so bad if he wasn't wearing the damn thing nearly every day, but well, it's not like really he has a choice. He likes seeing Pete happy, but definitely not like this.

The last straw comes when Patrick is just sitting in the latest venue, dicking around on GarageBand and minding his own business, and Pete steals the hat right off of Patrick's head. And the funny thing is, that's never actually happened before. No one has ever stolen one of Patrick's hats, and now that Pete has, Patrick kind of panics. Who knows what could happen to the hat while it's in Pete's possession? Patrick is supposed to take care of it and protect it, and suddenly, _he can't_.

Pete runs off, and Patrick does the only thing he can do: he gives chase. They run around like that for nearly ten minutes, with Pete laughing the whole time and Patrick cursing Pete and the fact that he has to run and pretty much everything under the sun. He finally catches Pete in their dressing room and pins him to the ground, sitting on top of him and snatching the hat back, caressing it and murmuring soothing words without thinking about it.

When Patrick finally calms down, he glances down at Pete to see him staring with wide-eyed lust. Patrick is kind of surprised, especially when he realizes that he's all but sitting on Pete's dick, which is hard. "Um..."

"You're really into that hat, aren't you?"

All of a sudden, Patrick's annoyance comes back full force. "Oh, for the love of Christ, Pete. I don't love the hat, I'm not attracted to the hat, and there is certainly nothing between me and the hat. Besides, I'm not the one with the hard-on." He punctuates the statement by rocking back against Pete's dick. "You sure _you're_ not into the hat?"

Pete opens his mouth like he wants to object, but all that comes out is a moan when Patrick rocks backward again.

"Yeah, maybe I should leave the two of you alone." Patrick stands up and very reluctantly sets the hat on a nearby chair, heading toward the door. He doesn't get more than a few steps before Pete is up and standing in his way.

"Patrick," he says plaintively and pauses for so long that Patrick thinks he might not say anything else. "It's not the hat that I want."

Even though Patrick knew that, the admission still kind of surprises him. For all they've been skirting the line between friendship and something more, he was never actually sure they'd ever cross it. But Pete has, and now all Patrick has to do is decide whether or not to take him up on it.

There's no question, really, and Patrick pushes Pete up against the nearest wall. He has Pete's pants down around his thighs in five seconds flat and gets a good, strong grip on Pete's dick while Pete sort of flounders.

"Patr...wha...?" Pete breaks off with a squeak as Patrick starts stroking him quickly, running the fingers of his other hand over Pete's balls.

He starts throwing in a twist on each upstroke, rubbing his palm over the head before continuing back down. It only takes a minute of this before Pete's breathing begins to get shallower, to the point where he's panting a harsh litany of swears as he comes over Patrick's hand and both of their t-shirts.

Pete slumps against the wall and starts sliding down as Patrick tries to decide what he should do about his messy hand. After a moment of looking around, he spots a box of tissues and brings it over to Pete so they can both clean up a little.

Patrick is busy trying to make the stain on his shirt a little less noticeable when Pete gets up. Except that Pete only pushes himself to his knees, and then _he's_ the one pulling _Patrick's_ pants down and licking at Patrick's dick like he isn't sure if it's okay.

Patrick abandons the task of cleaning his shirt, dropping the tissue and gripping Pete's shoulders for balance. Pete takes that for the permission it is, and then he really goes to town, sucking Patrick's cock in like it's the best thing he's ever tasted.

Patrick does his best not to thrust too much, but it's difficult not to try to get as much of that tight, wet heat as possible. He's getting close when Pete pulls back, but instead of letting Patrick's dick go entirely, he runs his tongue in circles around the head, and Patrick can't hold on any longer. He tries to warn Pete, but he's pretty sure that whatever comes out of his mouth wouldn't actually qualify as words.

In any case, Pete doesn't back off as Patrick comes, so he winds up with a mouthful of come that Patrick sees him spit into the nearest tissue. When Patrick gets his breath back, he apologizes for the lack of warning, but Pete just waves it off.

"It's fine, dude. No harm done."

And as Pete stands again, Patrick can't help pulling him into a rough kiss. Pete seems almost surprised for a second, but he grins widely when Patrick finally pulls away. "So, guess maybe it's not the hat you're into, either."

"Yeah, not so much."

Apparently, though, hat seduction isn't such a useless superpower after all.


End file.
